Sad News

Well I have some sad news. I lost baby #3 this past month. :(

I know many didn't know I was pregnant but I didn't want to tell too many people due to the fact that I wanted to make sure that I was okay and the baby was okay. This was largely due to the fact that when I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant with Colt I had a threatened miscarriage but he held on like the trooper he is and he will be turning 2 at the end of this month.

Well now that the cat is out of the bag I can speak about this. I have had a hard time dealing with this news just because I have had two healthy pregnancies in the past and to get the phone call "you are going to miscarry" is not something any mom wants to hear.

I found out on July 26 that I was expecting our third baby and went through a WIDE range of emotions. I was not happy - happy - sad - ecstatic - mad - you name it I was it. I was primarily scared because I didn't know what to think. Can I deal with 3 kids when Jeff is gone half the time? Can I do this with him here? What is God's plan for me? The best part of it all though was - I WAS DUE ON JEFF'S BIRTHDAY! April 6!

I arranged my 8 week appointment and got excited.

I had a little spot bleeding at about 5 1/2 weeks and I took that as a sign that I had implantation bleeding because I didn't have it with either of my boys. Then the day before my appointment on August 27 I had some brown bleeding and was a little worried. Jeff told me not to worry and we would find out at the doctor.

Well since we moved to Helper I decided instead of driving two hours to see my regular doctor I would find one in town so I could just travel. I was excited to go because the very first ultrasound is my favorite of them all. How can it not be (well besides the 20 week ultrasound). But we got to the doctor and everything seemed fine and then he sent me to the hospital for the ultrasound instead of doing it in house. (RED FLAG) They weren't even going to do it that day either but we forced them too and we headed over. The ultrasound tech kept asking if I was correct on my LMP and I was like "um ya"! and we moved on. The docs office then called me later that day and said to go in for a second ultrasound the following week because I was measuring at 6 weeks and they wanted to see if the heartbeat would show up the following week.

Well the following week I went back (by myself) to the ultrasound and the same thing happened. The tech asked me if I was "for sure" on my LMP date and I said yes and then said the baby is just measuring 6 weeks. She then sent me home not knowing anything and said "your doctor will call". I called Jeff crying because I knew something was wrong and it pissed him off.

I went to pick up my boys at my aunts and talked to her for a bit and then on my way home I finally got a call from the doctor (shocking!). He said Jeff had contacted him and that's the "reason" he was calling me. He was actually going to have his nurse do it instead of manning up and calling me himself.

He basically told me "you are going to miscarry and we want to see you back in about a week after it happens". I'm thinking "okay so when is it supposed to happen I'm about ready to go on vacation". Well he said in the next week or so and I was like "ok".

I then just hung up because he wanted to go into the schpeel about how it's not my fault etc... Ya I don't want to hear him talk anymore. So I called Jeff and he told me how he had called because he was so upset that the doc didn't talk to me and he was ready to just come home. I contacted my parents after talking to Jeff and told them and talked to my best friend. I just had a feeling this was going to happen for some reason.

Well I decided to go to the store with the boys to try to take my mind off things and next thing I know Jeff calls me and tells me he is home. He left work and took "family leave" for a day to be with me so I didn't have to be sad alone since he had gone back to work. He even brought me Cafe Rio. We both went over everything and decided instead of using the pills to rid my body of the baby or doing a D&C I was just going to let things take it's course. Plus once things happen I was going to drive two hours to go back to see Dr. Hansen.

Well frankly I had a little brown bleeding throughout our vacation but nothing really until after we got back. In fact the red bleeding started on my birthday. I was basically alone and miscarrying on my birthday so it wasn't the most pleasant.

I believe the baby came out on September 15 but I wasn't sure because I was still bleeding. I have been ever since then. I won't spare details because it hasn't been fun but I went to my doctor last week and had an ultrasound done and the sac the baby was in is still in my uterus but the baby is gone. So now if it doesn't leave on it's own before October 23 I will need to go in for a D&C to clean everything out so I can be normal again. When I told Dr. Hansen about my situation with the doctor here in Price he wasn't too happy. In fact it pissed him off and I knew it would. He is going to get me better next week and then Jeff and I will probably actually "try" for a 3rd baby. I know it sounds crazy but I really want to try for a girl and after finally getting excited about the 3rd baby I know in my heart it's the thing we should do. Jeff even said "let's get you healthy and try again". Who says that? My  husband does and I couldn't have asked for a better guy in my life.

So instead of being 15 weeks pregnant today I am almost back to being 0 weeks pregnant. Once the sac is removed I think it will be a little bit easier. I have handled it well but there are days I still cry. When my doctor told me that every 1 in 6 women have miscarriages it helped me a lot - but why did I have to be one of them? I had two healthy pregnancies before - why now?

I can tell you that if we are blessed to have another baby I will be over the moon - boy or girl - that baby will be a miracle and extremely loved. If we aren't blessed with another baby I have two healthy boys who are my everything and I can't be happier. Either way I am already blessed and that's the best place to be.