Lately I have not been a good place. I haven't wanted to do anything. If it weren't for my two "highly energetic" toddlers I would seriously spend the day sleeping away my depression. Right now I suck.
Ever since this last miscarriage (which I am probably going to have to have another D&C) I have been really depressed. I may not show it on the outside - well maybe because I have probably packed on about 8 pounds from eating horribly and not wanting to workout - but on the inside I have been crumbling like an avalanche going down a mountain. I didn't think it would be so bad but since I was able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks I was so overjoyed to finally be pregnant with a third child (technically 4th pregnancy). At 11 weeks there was no heartbeat and I have not handled it very well. Luckily I have a husband who constantly tries to get me to laugh and tries to get my mind off things. But after having to go to the doctor for a follow up and getting blood work done recently things have sucked. It also doesn't help that my hormones are changing all the time and my anxiety is waaaaayyy above where it should be. I have had panic attacks before but all the pains I have been getting in my chest I have to say they are more along the lines of anxiety attacks now.
Why Anxiety?
Well for one. I miss my husband. I hate that he works 2 hours away from us and can only come home for short periods of time. I absolutely hate living in Carbon County. There is nothing to do. Growing up here I was like "this is a pretty cool place". As an adult - ya not so much. There are only so many times I can go to Wal-Mart or Kmart. The other day I drove to Provo just to feel some sense of normalcy and I honestly have to tell you - I miss traffic. I miss the sounds on the other side of the mountain. I miss the smell. Weird I know but still... I wish we could just uproot our house and our property that we have now and drop them in Davis County somewhere. I love our little house and I am so very grateful that Jeff's dad left it for us - but without my husband around 24/7 it doesn't feel like home. I am around 2 dogs and a 3 year-old and 2 year-old all day long (who never sleep) and I am tired. I don't want to workout. Frankly I would be fine doing nothing but I can't do nothing so I end up be cranky all day long. Right now I suck.
This week I have shipped my kids off to my parents and Jeff is working. I am alone. Alone to try and work out of this depression I am in. That's the way I need it at the moment. I need to take time and spend it with myself and my two dogs who desperately need the 1-on-1 time. I actually worked out for the first time yesterday and it felt good to do it. Jeff was like "let's do Cardio X". I said okay and I made it through it and actually didn't die. I do have some major sore muscles though right now. I am going to try and workout some more this week so I can get into a rhythm. I just need to make it through this and I will be fine. I miss my boys but I am enjoying some quiet time.
As for our living situation. Jeff and I made it a year with him in Bountiful and me in Helper. In the next few months the situation is most likely going to change. We are headed back up north and probably going to rent a house through Jeff's work (in Woods Cross) until we get our credit scores high enough to buy a house in the Davis County area. We are looking at Kaysville but would also like Woods Cross- Farmington and West Bountiful areas as well. I just want to be with my husband full time. I also miss my best friend and my other friends up north. I love our place in Helper but honestly everything else I can do without. I think being with my husband every night will help me feel better. I think having my best friends around will help even more.
As for right now - I'm taking things one step at a time.
First step is to smile.
Second step is to slowly start working out again.
Third step is to be happier.
Fourth step - drop the 50 lbs I need to lose to be in the best shape of my life.
Fifth step - be the best wife and mother I can be.
If I can do that then things will fall into place. I feel like they are just stumbling right now but eventually things will fall.
I'll I can say is - I'm trying....trying to not be so sucky...
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentines...
You know I used to hate Valentine's Day. I never got anything. My dad and mom did stuff for my brother and I when we were younger and making little boxes for school was fun - but as I got older I hated the thought of all the lovey dovey stuff. Now that I have been in a relationship (for almost 7 years) with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life Valentine's Day is a happy spot for me.
This year though I am spending it trying to heal.
Next week I was going to be so happy to announce that I was pregnant again. After losing a baby back in September I was able to get pregnant again and found out on December 18th that we were expecting. On January 18th we went in for an ultrasound because I was having brown discharge again and we were so excited when we heard there was a heartbeat. I started crying because I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Fast forward 22 days and I find myself in the ER due to excessive bleeding. I woke up the morning of Feb. 11th knowing something wasn't right. I started having brown discharge again but chalked it up to being active and playing a lot with the boys. I tried to relax most of the day but had stuff to do. About 3:00 that afternoon I was running around with the boys when I felt a gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and started dropping insane amounts of blood. I was able to get Jeff's uncle to come over and watch the boys for me while I went to the ER. The doc came in and gave me my options. I wanted to go ahead with an ultrasound because it was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. With Colt we had a threatened miscarriage but he still had a heartbeat. This time around - there was no heartbeat. The baby was at the exact measurement it was supposed to be at week wise (11 weeks) but the heartbeat looked to have stopped either a day or two before I went to the hospital.
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the doc to come in and tell me I was going to miscarry he gave me some options. The last miscarriage I wanted to go naturally and it lasted forever and I still ended up having a D&C. This time I opted to take the six little pills to progress the miscarriage. I contacted Jeff and let him know what was going on (he was working up north). I told him not to come home because I was going to just wait this out and go to bed. Little did I know I would spend most of the night in the bathroom passing everything. Jeff called me about 9 that night and told me he was coming home. I was in a lot of pain and the thought of him coming home to help me was comforting.
Most of my bleeding has come to a complete stop so I am guessing everything passed alright and hopefully I won't have to have more surgery. I have to still follow up with my doctor but right now things just suck.
I'm so sad right now and Valentine's is supposed to be a happy day. I'm lucky that I have a husband who has my back on everything - loves me more than life itself and two little boys who make me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis - but whom I love more than anything in this world. All 3 boys are my eternal sunshine and I don't know what I would do without them.
So for now. I'm going to enjoy my time with my boys and relax. I'm going to let my body heal properly - drop about 20 pounds (even though I have 40 to go for my goal weight) and then we will try again. Hopefully later this year I will have some happier news to report. We are just continuing to stay busy chasing the boys and with Jeff working two hours away half of the week when he comes home we try to spend as much time as we can together.
Happy Valentine's Day to my 3 Burts whom I don't know what I would do without you guys!! I'm such a lucky girl to have these 3 boys and the 2 dogs we have. I don't know how I got so lucky.
Much love to everyone today!
This year though I am spending it trying to heal.
Next week I was going to be so happy to announce that I was pregnant again. After losing a baby back in September I was able to get pregnant again and found out on December 18th that we were expecting. On January 18th we went in for an ultrasound because I was having brown discharge again and we were so excited when we heard there was a heartbeat. I started crying because I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Fast forward 22 days and I find myself in the ER due to excessive bleeding. I woke up the morning of Feb. 11th knowing something wasn't right. I started having brown discharge again but chalked it up to being active and playing a lot with the boys. I tried to relax most of the day but had stuff to do. About 3:00 that afternoon I was running around with the boys when I felt a gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and started dropping insane amounts of blood. I was able to get Jeff's uncle to come over and watch the boys for me while I went to the ER. The doc came in and gave me my options. I wanted to go ahead with an ultrasound because it was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. With Colt we had a threatened miscarriage but he still had a heartbeat. This time around - there was no heartbeat. The baby was at the exact measurement it was supposed to be at week wise (11 weeks) but the heartbeat looked to have stopped either a day or two before I went to the hospital.
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the doc to come in and tell me I was going to miscarry he gave me some options. The last miscarriage I wanted to go naturally and it lasted forever and I still ended up having a D&C. This time I opted to take the six little pills to progress the miscarriage. I contacted Jeff and let him know what was going on (he was working up north). I told him not to come home because I was going to just wait this out and go to bed. Little did I know I would spend most of the night in the bathroom passing everything. Jeff called me about 9 that night and told me he was coming home. I was in a lot of pain and the thought of him coming home to help me was comforting.
Most of my bleeding has come to a complete stop so I am guessing everything passed alright and hopefully I won't have to have more surgery. I have to still follow up with my doctor but right now things just suck.
I'm so sad right now and Valentine's is supposed to be a happy day. I'm lucky that I have a husband who has my back on everything - loves me more than life itself and two little boys who make me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis - but whom I love more than anything in this world. All 3 boys are my eternal sunshine and I don't know what I would do without them.
So for now. I'm going to enjoy my time with my boys and relax. I'm going to let my body heal properly - drop about 20 pounds (even though I have 40 to go for my goal weight) and then we will try again. Hopefully later this year I will have some happier news to report. We are just continuing to stay busy chasing the boys and with Jeff working two hours away half of the week when he comes home we try to spend as much time as we can together.
Happy Valentine's Day to my 3 Burts whom I don't know what I would do without you guys!! I'm such a lucky girl to have these 3 boys and the 2 dogs we have. I don't know how I got so lucky.
Much love to everyone today!
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