Lately I have not been a good place. I haven't wanted to do anything. If it weren't for my two "highly energetic" toddlers I would seriously spend the day sleeping away my depression. Right now I suck.
Ever since this last miscarriage (which I am probably going to have to have another D&C) I have been really depressed. I may not show it on the outside - well maybe because I have probably packed on about 8 pounds from eating horribly and not wanting to workout - but on the inside I have been crumbling like an avalanche going down a mountain. I didn't think it would be so bad but since I was able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks I was so overjoyed to finally be pregnant with a third child (technically 4th pregnancy). At 11 weeks there was no heartbeat and I have not handled it very well. Luckily I have a husband who constantly tries to get me to laugh and tries to get my mind off things. But after having to go to the doctor for a follow up and getting blood work done recently things have sucked. It also doesn't help that my hormones are changing all the time and my anxiety is waaaaayyy above where it should be. I have had panic attacks before but all the pains I have been getting in my chest I have to say they are more along the lines of anxiety attacks now.
Why Anxiety?
Well for one. I miss my husband. I hate that he works 2 hours away from us and can only come home for short periods of time. I absolutely hate living in Carbon County. There is nothing to do. Growing up here I was like "this is a pretty cool place". As an adult - ya not so much. There are only so many times I can go to Wal-Mart or Kmart. The other day I drove to Provo just to feel some sense of normalcy and I honestly have to tell you - I miss traffic. I miss the sounds on the other side of the mountain. I miss the smell. Weird I know but still... I wish we could just uproot our house and our property that we have now and drop them in Davis County somewhere. I love our little house and I am so very grateful that Jeff's dad left it for us - but without my husband around 24/7 it doesn't feel like home. I am around 2 dogs and a 3 year-old and 2 year-old all day long (who never sleep) and I am tired. I don't want to workout. Frankly I would be fine doing nothing but I can't do nothing so I end up be cranky all day long. Right now I suck.
This week I have shipped my kids off to my parents and Jeff is working. I am alone. Alone to try and work out of this depression I am in. That's the way I need it at the moment. I need to take time and spend it with myself and my two dogs who desperately need the 1-on-1 time. I actually worked out for the first time yesterday and it felt good to do it. Jeff was like "let's do Cardio X". I said okay and I made it through it and actually didn't die. I do have some major sore muscles though right now. I am going to try and workout some more this week so I can get into a rhythm. I just need to make it through this and I will be fine. I miss my boys but I am enjoying some quiet time.
As for our living situation. Jeff and I made it a year with him in Bountiful and me in Helper. In the next few months the situation is most likely going to change. We are headed back up north and probably going to rent a house through Jeff's work (in Woods Cross) until we get our credit scores high enough to buy a house in the Davis County area. We are looking at Kaysville but would also like Woods Cross- Farmington and West Bountiful areas as well. I just want to be with my husband full time. I also miss my best friend and my other friends up north. I love our place in Helper but honestly everything else I can do without. I think being with my husband every night will help me feel better. I think having my best friends around will help even more.
As for right now - I'm taking things one step at a time.
First step is to smile.
Second step is to slowly start working out again.
Third step is to be happier.
Fourth step - drop the 50 lbs I need to lose to be in the best shape of my life.
Fifth step - be the best wife and mother I can be.
If I can do that then things will fall into place. I feel like they are just stumbling right now but eventually things will fall.
I'll I can say is - I'm trying....trying to not be so sucky...
4 comments:
It is never fun to hear that your friends are doing "sucky."
Just the other day, I was reading an interview with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor and they asked her "You don't believe in the pursuit of unhappiness, I am guessing?"
Her response was "One doesn't have to pursue unhappiness. It comes to you. You come into this world screaming. You cry when you're born because your lungs expand. You breathe. I think that's really kind of significant. You come into the world crying, and it's a sign that you're alive."
And I apologize for using the analogy of a crying baby given what you are going through, but while you may be crying and it may suck, it means you are still alive. Life has its ups and downs and right now you may be in a down. But you have so many people here willing to listen to you cry!
Cry loud. Let it out. Nothing feels better! :)
I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time! I hope that this time alone will help you get back on your feet. Don't forget how wonderful you are how much all your boys love you. I know how hard it is to go through trial after trial, but if I have learned one thing it is that each one has made me a stronger person and has helped me understand others and myself more. You will get through this, I know it. It's okay to cry and be sad but you are defiantly not sucky. I hope you find comfort and peace through this trial.
I am so sorry Court! I have a hard time being without Jason for 1 day. We are meant to be with our families. I hope it all works out for you. love you, Brooke
Court, we love ya and I hope you get things all worked out. Feeling like crap sucks. Keep pushing through.
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