Valentines...

You know I used to hate Valentine's Day. I never got anything. My dad and mom did stuff for my brother and I when we were younger and making little boxes for school was fun - but as I got older I hated the thought of all the lovey dovey stuff. Now that I have been in a relationship (for almost 7 years) with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life Valentine's Day is a happy spot for me.

This year though I am spending it trying to heal.

Next week I was going to be so happy to announce that I was pregnant again. After losing a baby back in September I was able to get pregnant again and found out on December 18th that we were expecting. On January 18th we went in for an ultrasound because I was having brown discharge again and we were so excited when we heard there was a heartbeat. I started crying because I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Fast forward 22 days and I find myself in the ER due to excessive bleeding. I woke up the morning of Feb. 11th knowing something wasn't right. I started having brown discharge again but chalked it up to being active and playing a lot with the boys. I tried to relax most of the day but had stuff to do. About 3:00 that afternoon I was running around with the boys when I felt a gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and started dropping insane amounts of blood. I was able to get Jeff's uncle to come over and watch the boys for me while I went to the ER. The doc came in and gave me my options. I wanted to go ahead with an ultrasound because it was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. With Colt we had a threatened miscarriage but he still had a heartbeat. This time around - there was no heartbeat. The baby was at the exact measurement it was supposed to be at week wise (11 weeks) but the heartbeat looked to have stopped either a day or two before I went to the hospital.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the doc to come in and tell me I was going to miscarry he gave me some options. The last miscarriage I wanted to go naturally and it lasted forever and I still ended up having a D&C. This time I opted to take the six little pills to progress the miscarriage. I contacted Jeff and let him know what was going on (he was working up north). I told him not to come home because I was going to just wait this out and go to bed. Little did I know I would spend most of the night in the bathroom passing everything. Jeff called me about 9 that night and told me he was coming home. I was in a lot of pain and the thought of him coming home to help me was comforting.

Most of my bleeding has come to a complete stop so I am guessing everything passed alright and hopefully I won't have to have more surgery. I have to still follow up with my doctor but right now things just suck.

I'm so sad right now and Valentine's is supposed to be a happy day. I'm lucky that I have a husband who has my back on everything - loves me more than life itself and two little boys who make me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis - but whom I love more than anything in this world. All 3 boys are my eternal sunshine and I don't know what I would do without them.

So for now. I'm going to enjoy my time with my boys and relax. I'm going to let my body heal properly - drop about 20 pounds (even though I have 40 to go for my goal weight) and then we will try again. Hopefully later this year I will have some happier news to report. We are just continuing to stay busy chasing the boys and with Jeff working two hours away half of the week when he comes home we try to spend as much time as we can together.

Happy Valentine's Day to my 3 Burts whom I don't know what I would do without you guys!! I'm such a lucky girl to have these 3 boys and the 2 dogs we have. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Much love to everyone today!