Trying...

Lately I have not been a good place. I haven't wanted to do anything. If it weren't for my two "highly energetic" toddlers I would seriously spend the day sleeping away my depression. Right now I suck.

Ever since this last miscarriage (which I am probably going to have to have another D&C) I have been really depressed. I may not show it on the outside - well maybe because I have probably packed on about 8 pounds from eating horribly and not wanting to workout - but on the inside I have been crumbling like an avalanche going down a mountain. I didn't think it would be so bad but since I was able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks I was so overjoyed to finally be pregnant with a third child (technically 4th pregnancy). At 11 weeks there was no heartbeat and I have not handled it very well. Luckily I have a husband who constantly tries to get me to laugh and tries to get my mind off things. But after having to go to the doctor for a follow up and getting blood work done recently things have sucked. It also doesn't help that my hormones are changing all the time and my anxiety is waaaaayyy above where it should be. I have had panic attacks before but all the pains I have been getting in my chest I have to say they are more along the lines of anxiety attacks now.

Why Anxiety?

Well for one. I miss my husband. I hate that he works 2 hours away from us and can only come home for short periods of time. I absolutely hate living in Carbon County. There is nothing to do. Growing up here I was like "this is a pretty cool place". As an adult - ya not so much. There are only so many times I can go to Wal-Mart or Kmart. The other day I drove to Provo just to feel some sense of normalcy and I honestly have to tell you - I miss traffic. I miss the sounds on the other side of the mountain. I miss the smell. Weird I know but still... I wish we could just uproot our house and our property that we have now and drop them in Davis County somewhere. I love our little house and I am so very grateful that Jeff's dad left it for us - but without my husband around 24/7 it doesn't feel like home. I am around 2 dogs and a 3 year-old and 2 year-old all day long (who never sleep) and I am tired. I don't want to workout. Frankly I would be fine doing nothing but I can't do nothing so I end up be cranky all day long. Right now I suck.

This week I have shipped my kids off to my parents and Jeff is working. I am alone. Alone to try and work out of this depression I am in. That's the way I need it at the moment. I need to take time and spend it with myself and my two dogs who desperately need the 1-on-1 time. I actually worked out for the first time yesterday and it felt good to do it. Jeff was like "let's do Cardio X". I said okay and I made it through it and actually didn't die. I do have some major sore muscles though right now. I am going to try and workout some more this week so I can get into a rhythm. I just need to make it through this and I will be fine. I miss my boys but I am enjoying some quiet time.

As for our living situation. Jeff and I made it a year with him in Bountiful and me in Helper. In the next few months the situation is most likely going to change. We are headed back up north and probably going to rent a house through Jeff's work (in Woods Cross) until we get our credit scores high enough to buy a house in the Davis County area. We are looking at Kaysville but would also like Woods Cross- Farmington and West Bountiful areas as well. I just want to be with my husband full time. I also miss my best friend and my other friends up north. I love our place in Helper but honestly everything else I can do without. I think being with my husband every night will help me feel better. I think having my best friends around will help even more.

As for right now - I'm taking things one step at a time.

First step is to smile.

Second step is to slowly start working out again.

Third step is to be happier.

Fourth step - drop the 50 lbs I need to lose to be in the best shape of my life.

Fifth step - be the best wife and mother I can be.

If I can do that then things will fall into place. I feel like they are just stumbling right now but eventually things will fall.

I'll I can say is - I'm trying....trying to not be so sucky...

Valentines...

You know I used to hate Valentine's Day. I never got anything. My dad and mom did stuff for my brother and I when we were younger and making little boxes for school was fun - but as I got older I hated the thought of all the lovey dovey stuff. Now that I have been in a relationship (for almost 7 years) with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life Valentine's Day is a happy spot for me.

This year though I am spending it trying to heal.

Next week I was going to be so happy to announce that I was pregnant again. After losing a baby back in September I was able to get pregnant again and found out on December 18th that we were expecting. On January 18th we went in for an ultrasound because I was having brown discharge again and we were so excited when we heard there was a heartbeat. I started crying because I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Fast forward 22 days and I find myself in the ER due to excessive bleeding. I woke up the morning of Feb. 11th knowing something wasn't right. I started having brown discharge again but chalked it up to being active and playing a lot with the boys. I tried to relax most of the day but had stuff to do. About 3:00 that afternoon I was running around with the boys when I felt a gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and started dropping insane amounts of blood. I was able to get Jeff's uncle to come over and watch the boys for me while I went to the ER. The doc came in and gave me my options. I wanted to go ahead with an ultrasound because it was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. With Colt we had a threatened miscarriage but he still had a heartbeat. This time around - there was no heartbeat. The baby was at the exact measurement it was supposed to be at week wise (11 weeks) but the heartbeat looked to have stopped either a day or two before I went to the hospital.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the doc to come in and tell me I was going to miscarry he gave me some options. The last miscarriage I wanted to go naturally and it lasted forever and I still ended up having a D&C. This time I opted to take the six little pills to progress the miscarriage. I contacted Jeff and let him know what was going on (he was working up north). I told him not to come home because I was going to just wait this out and go to bed. Little did I know I would spend most of the night in the bathroom passing everything. Jeff called me about 9 that night and told me he was coming home. I was in a lot of pain and the thought of him coming home to help me was comforting.

Most of my bleeding has come to a complete stop so I am guessing everything passed alright and hopefully I won't have to have more surgery. I have to still follow up with my doctor but right now things just suck.

I'm so sad right now and Valentine's is supposed to be a happy day. I'm lucky that I have a husband who has my back on everything - loves me more than life itself and two little boys who make me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis - but whom I love more than anything in this world. All 3 boys are my eternal sunshine and I don't know what I would do without them.

So for now. I'm going to enjoy my time with my boys and relax. I'm going to let my body heal properly - drop about 20 pounds (even though I have 40 to go for my goal weight) and then we will try again. Hopefully later this year I will have some happier news to report. We are just continuing to stay busy chasing the boys and with Jeff working two hours away half of the week when he comes home we try to spend as much time as we can together.

Happy Valentine's Day to my 3 Burts whom I don't know what I would do without you guys!! I'm such a lucky girl to have these 3 boys and the 2 dogs we have. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Much love to everyone today!

New Styles in Jamberry News!

Look at these fun new styles for the upcoming holiday seasons!!! How fun are these!? Go and look and please order if you would like!! :D Need all the help I can get!

Here is the link to my personal website! :D http://hawkinsjamnails.jamberrynails.net/

Also go and like my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/HawkinsJamberryNails

If I reach 75 likes I will giveaway one free set of shields and if I get 100 likes I will give away 2 free sets of shields!!

New Adventure From Home

So I have ventured into a home side job for me to do since I'm not working full time anymore. Well - unless you count chasing two huge labs and two crazy too-smart-for-their-own-good toddlers - because that's a job in itself.

But anyways.... I have decided to become a Jamberry Nails Independent Consultant. Now you are probably thinking - what did she get herself in to? Well I can tell you that it's probably the highest paid commission side job I have seen in any independent consultant jobs. You make 30% off your sales and also a good percentage off your downline. I say that's pretty neat! 

What are Jamberry Nails you ask?

This company is great and they offer great incentives! I love to paint my nails but I always end up picking it off or picking at my nails. With these new shields I don't pick at my nails and don't pick off the shields so my nails grow!

You can check out my website: http://hawkinsjamnails.jamberrynails.net and you can look at all the styles they have available! They have new promotions going on right now so if you are interested please order off my site.

I am currently holding my online launch party and everything is buy 3 get 1 free! When you check out just choose Courtney's Launch Party to attach your order to so I know you ordered.

Also anyone wanting host - they have some awesome hosting incentives this year a lot more than last. These are exciting so please help a sista out!

Thank you!

I also have a Facebook page and post updates on there as well. Let me know if you want the link. :D

Where is the Time Going???!!!!

So I am a few weeks late but my boys had their 3-year and 2-year checkups on October 30. Let me just say I have two healthy boys!!

CASH MICHAEL

CASH @ 3 YEARS-OLD

For most of the year I thought Cash was too skinny. He is such a picky eater and eats little stuff here and there but I can always tell when he is going through a growth spurt.

When the doctor told me not to worry about Cash I needed to hear that. I told him that I thought Cash was too skinny but since he is so tall he is right where he should be weight wise.

His 3-year stats:
Weight: 35.9 pounds (84%)
Height: 39.76 (93%)

We also went to the dentist for the first time and Cash did well. He did have to get sealent on his back teeth to seal them but that's about it. He loved every minute of it - well up until the last 2 teeth were getting sealed.

Love our Bug! I'm still shocked he is 3!

COLT JEFFEREY

COLT @ 2 YEARS-OLD

I have a model on my hands! This kid loves to take pictures! I call him my little Channing Tatum because he is just so damn cute! ;-)

His 2-year stats:

Weight: 34.17 pounds (97%)

Height: 36.06 (89%)

The doctor was so proud of where Colt is at growth wise and couldn't believe how much he looks like his dad!

At the dentist for the first time he also did well and the doctor said he had great teeth for a 2 year-old! Colt was also so concerned for his brother he sat on the dentist chair in between Cash's legs while he got his sealant on. He is such a good little brother!

Colt Turns 2!!

Hi I'm Colt Jefferey Hawkins and I'm 2!

2 years-old

My favorite color is: RED

My favorite food is: FRIES (PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING REALLY)

My favorite book is: THE ONE AUNT GAYLA GAVE ME WITH THE GLOW MOON.

My favorite movie is: DOOBY-DO (SCOOBY DOO)

My favorite sport is: HOOPS AND FOOTBALL!

My favorite thing to do is: GO ON THE (SIDES) SLIDES AND PLAY WITH MY BROTHER

My favorite toy is: MY FOOTBALL AND MY LITTLE MATCHBOX TRUCKS.

I can’t wait for: FOOD!

Why? BECAUSE I LOVE TO EAT!

I love to: PLAY WITH MY BROTHER AND MY DAD AND TORMENT "E-E" (HARLEY)!!

My favorite treat is: POPSICLES

My 2^nd favorite treat is: SUCKERS

What my mom says about me...

• Colt has grown so much over the past year.
• It seems like yesterday he was just born and now he is turning into this little man right before our eyes.
• Not only is he the spitting image of his father - he is exactly like his father personality wise - the way he does things - they are literally twins!
• Colt loves babies. He see's a baby and is like "awe". He would be such a good big brother.
• Colt hates it when his brother is sleeping. He thinks Cash's name is Colt too so he walks around the house yelling "HOLT!" and when we try to correct him and say "his name is Cash" he giggles and yells "HOLT!"
• No matter how hard this little boy is sleeping if he hears the trains he will get up and starting yelling "choo choo".
• Colt is so independent. Sometimes I forget he is even around because he plays so quietly by himself. When I can't find him he is usually outside playing with the dogs or out in their dirt pile playing with his trucks. He is very quiet.
• Colt is finally learning to get his brother back. His brother picks on him a lot and eventually Colt will catch on and get his licks in. We crack up whenever Colt can get a tackle in.
• Colt loves football. This kid can't get enough he will watch and watch and watch.
• I hope I can get a picture of this - but Colt has the longest eyelashes! His eyes are my heart and soul and I can stare at him all day long. He is just beautiful!
• Colt's aura will just radiate to whom is ever around him. He has this ability to just make you feel good. If it's just a look or a smile or a big "HI!" he is always radiating so much energy and positiveness and I love that about him!

Colt we need you to stop growing so fast! I can't believe you are two already when it seems like I was just in the hospital with you ready to have you. We love you so much and are so proud of the little man you are turning in to!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOOSCH!!!!

Cash Turns 3!

3 years-old

Hi I'm Cash Michael Hawkins and I'm 3!

My favorite color is: RED

My favorite food is: CEREAL AND PB&J

My favorite book is: ALL OF THEM!

My favorite movie is: RIO - MICKEY MOUSE AND SCOOBY DOO

My favorite sport is: ANYTHING I CAN RUN-JUMP-OR HIT IN! haha

My favorite thing to do is: PLAY WITH MY TRUCKS AND GO ON THE SLIDES.

My favorite toy is: MY CONSTRUCTION TRUCKS. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THEM!

I can’t wait for: CAKE! 

Why? BECAUSE HE LOVES CAKE!

I love to: BIT(FIX) MY BIKE AND PLAY WITH DAD!!

My favorite treat is: POPSICLES

My 2^nd favorite treat is: DONUTS

What my mom says about me...

• Cash has grown so much over the past year.

• He loves his brother so much and hates when he isn't around. They are best friends!

• He loves to crawl in bed and sleep with his dad when he is home.

• Cash has been going through the terrible two's but he pulls out of his tantrums pretty quick if you distract him with something.

• Cash would eat cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all day long if I let him.

• Cash is so close to talking in full sentences it makes me sad how much he is growing up.

• He is such a good helper. He cleans his room - picks up his toys - helps pick up outside and will do anything we ask of him.

• He loves to jump - off everything!

• Cash is a very fast learner and usually remembers things after being told once.

• Cash has this passion for fixing things (which probably comes from his Grandpa Hawkins). He will fix anything and if you don't let him help when you are fixing something he will fix it anyways. If you tell him to go get you a flathead screwdriver he will. Hammer - he will. He knows his tools!
• Cash has the best heart and will do anything to make you smile. We were in the store once and this little old lady walked by and a huge smile from Cash and a big "HI" with a giggle was all that was needed to make the woman smile. I didn't see her with a sad face the rest of the time in the store. He just has that way about him.
• Cash has also picked up a love of helping me in the kitchen. If I'm making food he always has to be right there beside me with his butter knife wanting to help cut up things. I love that he wants to help - it just makes me more willing to let him when he is wanting to do it instead of me forcing him.
• What else can I say. This little boy is such a bright spot in our hearts. I don't know what I would do without him.

WE LOVE YOU BUG! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!