Plug for me! haha

Okay so I became a Jamberry Nails Independent Consultant last December but haven't been able to do much with it. I'm now trying to start back up again because the new stuff they have out is really awesome! I am in love with the Collegiate Nail Wraps and I think you should be too!!! You can now also design your own nail wraps to fit any occasion!!!

You can click on the link to my website: http://hawkinsjamnails.jamberrynails.net and it will take you straight to the page where you can order. I currently have an online party open and when you check out choose "Courtney's Fresh Start Party". That way I know you ordered! :D If you have any questions let me know!

Here are some of the fun wraps they have right now for Utah - BYU and UTAH STATE!

ORDER TODAY TO SHOW YOUR SCHOOL SPIRIT!

GO UTES!!

Miss Me?

Okay so you probably didn't miss me but I do have to apologize for taking forever to get back on here. We have been back and forth all summer long trying to get things ready to sell our house in Helper.

We moved back up north to West Bountiful at the beginning of June - had our 4 year anniversary (which Jeff had to work :() and then we got notice that our house was selling. We put it on the market at the end of April and bam someone wanted to buy it. Jeff and I spent his entire vacation in June getting the house ready to sell (and with no kids around) and a week later the lady chickened out and said no. Luck was on our side though and Steve G. who owns Workman's and the field next to us really wanted the house and gave us everything we asked - which was so nice! So on July 29th the house was no longer ours and it was signed and closed. We were shocked it sold so fast and a little sad but we are so happy that a new chapter has started in our lives.

I have gone back to working out - thanks to Jeff's work who pays for our recreation passes and it has been so nice! I have been able to take the boys to the day care center at the gym and they play while I get my butt in gear. Jeff has been working non-stop since we have been back up but it is so nice to be able to spend time with him EVERY NIGHT!!!! I hated being separated from him but now that is no longer a problem!

We are currently renting a house through Jeff's work and it's like 2 minutes away from his work so that has been nice. It's been super nice to be up around everything again and I'm coming to love Bountiful. I have always been up here because of family but now that I live here it's a different story. It's really pretty here. Jeff and I are probably going to move a little more north in a few years (unless a house comes open close to here) but we plan on buying and staying put for awhile. It's been a nice change to be up here!

As for my health. I have been having some tests done and it took an HSG x-ray test to determine what was going on with me. Since I had that emergency D&C in March I haven't had a period and have been in a lot A LOT of pain! I finally scheduled an appointment and in July I had an ultrasound done. They didn't find a lot of things but did find a small pocket of fluid in my uterus. Fast forward a few weeks and I had the x-ray test done. Come to find out my uterus is extremely abnormal and there is a lot of scar tissue. Because my doctor didn't feel comfortable with my situation she has sent me to a specialist (Dr. Amad Hammoud) down at the Endocrinology and Fertility Clinic at the UofU. He is awesome!!! I'm talking really awesome! He took his time explaining my x-rays to me and gave me my options. Basically my uterus has fused itself together with scar tissue and my periods are being blocked (which is why I had fluid). The blood has no way to escape because of the scar tissue. This was such a relief to hear because I literally have been sick and not feeling normal since my last surgery and it has NOT been fun. Plus I had to move while feeling horrible which didn't help. But because I was soooo sick when I had the last surgery I had no way of escaping the scar tissue. It also didn't help that the doctor who did the surgery scrapped every bit of uterine lining I had and it didn't grow back.

So now my options... well I can either just have a hysterectomy or surgery. I'm going in for a sonohystogram next week to find out what is going to happen. If they can't remove the scar tissue from my uterus then I have to just take everything out. Basically that will be a last resort. If they can go through and cut out all the scar tissue then I will go that route and save my uterus. I did find out (and this was hard to hear) that I probably will never conceive a child naturally if we were to try again. Because of the scaring and such my tubes are probably blocked at the beginning even though they look fine. He said that I would probably have to conceive through IVF and if we did get pregnant then I would have a really high risk pregnancy. So basically I probably won't be having kids anymore which makes me so sad. I really wanted to try for one more - but I have to be happy that I have the two that I do. They keep me on my toes enough!!

As for the boys. CASH STARTS PRESCHOOL NEXT WEEK! I think I'm going to cry! He has been playing soccer and is loving it so much. He is such a busy body that this is perfect for him. He is super excited to start school and is patiently waiting and is excited about his new spiderman backpack. Colt is probably looking forward to the one-on-one time with Jeff and I because we are holding him one more year. It's so weird to think that I have a preschooler. Time is flying by way too fast for my liking but it's awesome. It's nice to look forward and not look back. I just wish time would slow down a little though because I am so not wanting these boys to grow up - even if it is a little more fun to have them independent. :D

Seven Years and Still Going Strong!

A cute picture of us when we started dating!

On April 22 Jeff and I celebrated what I would call a milestone in my book. Some might say it's a cursed year (the seven year itch) but I am going to look at it as one of the most positive years we are going to have! Jeff and I have officially been together for 7 years! Yes 7 years! I know there are those of you who have been together for a lot longer but I feel like I have known Jeff for a gazillion years. So it seems like forever to me.

Seven years ago an email on MySpace changed my life. I saw this guy I had a small crush on in high school (and known since Jr. High) on a mutual friends page so I thought I would email him to say hi and see if he remembered me. Imagine my shock when he emailed me back and said he did remember me and asked how I was doing. We talked over email for two straight weeks (with one phone call in between) and decided to meet up for drinks. On the day I was supposed to meet him our internet crashed and since he didn't have a phone I had no way of getting ahold of him. I finally got things fixed and he had already gone to dinner with friends but then asked if I would still like to get a drink. I was like "for sure". (Especially since I had used all day to get ready hahahaha).

An hour later I was walking up to this gorgeous guy with a great smile waiting for me outside the Fort Union Iggy's. My heart stopped. I was like "huh oh!" I knew I was in trouble. We sat at the bar for almost 3 hours just catching up and talking and having a good time. Then after that night we were inseperable. We hung out more and more each week and it got to the point where I couldn't not be around him. I had to be with him and 7 months after dating we decided to make it permanent and move in together. By December that year we were living together.

We have had our ups and down (like most couples) but for the most part things have been awesome. I know God put Jeff in my life for a reason and even though our signs are COMPLETE OPPOSITES (he is an Aires and I'm a Virgo) we balance each other out. Only thing that gets in our way is our stubborness. Each of us always has to have the last word so we tend to just shut up for a couple hours and move on.

I remember the first time Jeff my parents - I took him camping and stranded him on a mountain for two days. I can tell you that after that he had passed my test. Even when our dog Sam chewed up his security blanket (a football) haha.

Since then Jeff and I have lived in Heber - Sandy and now Helper/Bountiful. We are about to move to Woods Cross so we can add that to our list.

In September 2008 he proposed to me. In March 2009 I found out I was pregnant. June 2009 we were married. October 2009 we had a beautiful baby boy. March 2010 we found out we were pregnant again and in October 2010 we had another beautiful baby boy. These are just some of the milestones we have had in the past 7 years.

I'm so looking forward to what God has in store for us in the future. We have had some trials lately but we have come out of those with smiles (and frowns) on our faces and we are moving forward. I thank God everyday he put this wonderful man into my life and I will thank him everyday until I die for giving me the life I have. I couldn't be happier!

Here are a few pictures from over the years... You don't have to look at them because there are going to be quite a few but I had to share!!

Our first baby - Harley Ann

Our second baby - Raider

Stitches and Easter...

I know I have posted lately mainly about me but things have happened along side my stuff going on so I thought I would do a quick post about it.

The day after I actually had my miscarriage Colt went to grab one of my kitchen utensils and it was a pair of silver tongs that close. Well I went to grab it from him and didn't know his finger was stuck in the little hole and when I grabbed it from him it ended up slicing his finger open. Now Colt is the type of little boy that nothing happens too. He cries from getting picked on by his brother but nothing seems to happen to him until now.

When we decided that his finger wasn't enough to glue back together I decided to drive around looking for a clinic because the best pediatrician in town said "sorry we can't see him". What kids doctor turns down seeing a 2 year-old? Needless to say my doctor in SLC would have met us at his office in 2 seconds. Me not being a happy mom I looked for a clinic and this god damn town does not have a clinic. What town doesn't have an after hours clinic??!!!

So I called Jeff and let him know what was going on and we went to the ER because I wasn't about to have my little boy crying forever. We arrived at the Carbon County ER right before 6:00 p.m. we left at 9:00 p.m.!!! We waited forever! I complained the nurse when she came and got us and took us in to a side room that Colt is only 2 and he won't be patient long. She got us back to a bed pretty quick but then the wait started.

I had a couple people come by to see us and they kept saying "the doc will be right here you are next". Then I watched two people who came in after us be treated and leave. Finally I stopped someone and asked them what the hell was going on and they didn't now how to react. All they could say was sorry and asked if I needed anything and I looked her straight in the eye and said "Yes you can actually - I need a fucking doctor". After 10 minutes later the ER doc came by and introduced himself and ended up numbing Colt's finger. Then he proceeded to leave for another half hour and then I got even madder. I ended up complaining yet again that we have been waiting FOREVER and Colt was not wanting to sit in the bed. He sat in my lap and cried. He finally came and ended up having numb his finger all over again and put shots inside the cut. After 5 stitches and a quick cleanup and a 3 hour wait we were able to leave. Colt thanked everyone when we left and he was so happy to be leaving but his finger was hurting him so I had to get him home. I got a prescription for pain meds but the Tylenol I had at home was enough to make Colt happy so I just gave him that. He is such a strong boy.

A couple days ago we went and got his stitches out and he is a happy camper! He is such a trooper and I am so happy that this doesn't happen often. I don't know what I would do with two accident prone kids! haha

On a quick note. Jeff - I and the boys will be moving to Woods Cross in May. Our house is up for sale and we are going to rent a house until we can buy one. We are so excited to be under the same roof together full time again! Words can't express how relieved I feel right now. I feel like our family is going to be getting their life back together.

Easter...

We didn't do much for Easter this year because we are sooooo low on funds but we made it fun anyways. We ended up dying eggs and the boys got their annual candy! haha We have a tradition now where we watch "Hop" and eat breakfast and the boys loved it!

Here are a couple of fun pics. :D

DYING EGGS!

THEIR FINAL PRODUCT! 

COLT DECIDED TO TRY THE BLUE DYE!

It's Finally Over....

Well after a month of off and on bleeding it has come to a stop. My miscarriage is finally over thanks to another D&C. I ended up actually delivering the fetus on March 7(it never came out on Feb. 11 when I went the ER) and went through contractions and everything. My water broke and I ended up catching the fetus in my hand. Needless to say it was a little traumatizing. I went to my doctor and said to contact him in a week. Well a week went by and I was still bleeding and started running fevers and getting chills. I had an infection. My miscarriage turned septic. Something that only happens to 5% of women.

My doctor informed me he wanted to get me in the hospital right away but I still had to get my boys taken care of. I met my brother in the canyon and he ended up coming back to Helper with me to watch the boys. Jeff was able to leave work yet again and came home as fast as we could and we went to the hospital to be admitted.

After several visits with my doctor and the doctor who was going to do my surgery I finally got started on my antibiotics. I had to go through 4 doses!! Jeff and I waited for what seemed like an eternity to get my surgery done - but because I was an add on they had us wait - forever!!! Jeff wasn't too happy and I was ready to walk out of the hospital but we had to get it done. Finally after waiting all night and day we were able to go in and get the procedure. It was nice to have an drug doc that I knew - it was a friend from high school (weird! haha) but we had a good laugh before I went under. I guess during the procedure they pulled out a lot more than what they expected to be left in me and I lost a lot more blood. Let me tell you - losing a lot of blood over a month is not fun. I'm  on a twice day regimen of iron and antibiotics for the next two weeks to get me back to normal again.

But I can finally say - everything is over and done with and I'm going to be back to normal now.

As for having another baby. Right now we are on the "NO" train. I don't want to have to go through what I just went through again and right now I have to take my health into consideration. My health is a little more important. We might change our minds down the road but right now I'm fine with my two little boys. I've been blessed and I can live with that.

If we change our minds down the road then we do but I think after we get moved and settled in our new place in May we can reevaluate. I'm just happy to finally have my body back - well sort of. I still have a lot of blood to rebuild! haha :D

Here's to a new chapter and getting healthy once again!

Trying...

Lately I have not been a good place. I haven't wanted to do anything. If it weren't for my two "highly energetic" toddlers I would seriously spend the day sleeping away my depression. Right now I suck.

Ever since this last miscarriage (which I am probably going to have to have another D&C) I have been really depressed. I may not show it on the outside - well maybe because I have probably packed on about 8 pounds from eating horribly and not wanting to workout - but on the inside I have been crumbling like an avalanche going down a mountain. I didn't think it would be so bad but since I was able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks I was so overjoyed to finally be pregnant with a third child (technically 4th pregnancy). At 11 weeks there was no heartbeat and I have not handled it very well. Luckily I have a husband who constantly tries to get me to laugh and tries to get my mind off things. But after having to go to the doctor for a follow up and getting blood work done recently things have sucked. It also doesn't help that my hormones are changing all the time and my anxiety is waaaaayyy above where it should be. I have had panic attacks before but all the pains I have been getting in my chest I have to say they are more along the lines of anxiety attacks now.

Why Anxiety?

Well for one. I miss my husband. I hate that he works 2 hours away from us and can only come home for short periods of time. I absolutely hate living in Carbon County. There is nothing to do. Growing up here I was like "this is a pretty cool place". As an adult - ya not so much. There are only so many times I can go to Wal-Mart or Kmart. The other day I drove to Provo just to feel some sense of normalcy and I honestly have to tell you - I miss traffic. I miss the sounds on the other side of the mountain. I miss the smell. Weird I know but still... I wish we could just uproot our house and our property that we have now and drop them in Davis County somewhere. I love our little house and I am so very grateful that Jeff's dad left it for us - but without my husband around 24/7 it doesn't feel like home. I am around 2 dogs and a 3 year-old and 2 year-old all day long (who never sleep) and I am tired. I don't want to workout. Frankly I would be fine doing nothing but I can't do nothing so I end up be cranky all day long. Right now I suck.

This week I have shipped my kids off to my parents and Jeff is working. I am alone. Alone to try and work out of this depression I am in. That's the way I need it at the moment. I need to take time and spend it with myself and my two dogs who desperately need the 1-on-1 time. I actually worked out for the first time yesterday and it felt good to do it. Jeff was like "let's do Cardio X". I said okay and I made it through it and actually didn't die. I do have some major sore muscles though right now. I am going to try and workout some more this week so I can get into a rhythm. I just need to make it through this and I will be fine. I miss my boys but I am enjoying some quiet time.

As for our living situation. Jeff and I made it a year with him in Bountiful and me in Helper. In the next few months the situation is most likely going to change. We are headed back up north and probably going to rent a house through Jeff's work (in Woods Cross) until we get our credit scores high enough to buy a house in the Davis County area. We are looking at Kaysville but would also like Woods Cross- Farmington and West Bountiful areas as well. I just want to be with my husband full time. I also miss my best friend and my other friends up north. I love our place in Helper but honestly everything else I can do without. I think being with my husband every night will help me feel better. I think having my best friends around will help even more.

As for right now - I'm taking things one step at a time.

First step is to smile.

Second step is to slowly start working out again.

Third step is to be happier.

Fourth step - drop the 50 lbs I need to lose to be in the best shape of my life.

Fifth step - be the best wife and mother I can be.

If I can do that then things will fall into place. I feel like they are just stumbling right now but eventually things will fall.

I'll I can say is - I'm trying....trying to not be so sucky...

Valentines...

You know I used to hate Valentine's Day. I never got anything. My dad and mom did stuff for my brother and I when we were younger and making little boxes for school was fun - but as I got older I hated the thought of all the lovey dovey stuff. Now that I have been in a relationship (for almost 7 years) with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life Valentine's Day is a happy spot for me.

This year though I am spending it trying to heal.

Next week I was going to be so happy to announce that I was pregnant again. After losing a baby back in September I was able to get pregnant again and found out on December 18th that we were expecting. On January 18th we went in for an ultrasound because I was having brown discharge again and we were so excited when we heard there was a heartbeat. I started crying because I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Fast forward 22 days and I find myself in the ER due to excessive bleeding. I woke up the morning of Feb. 11th knowing something wasn't right. I started having brown discharge again but chalked it up to being active and playing a lot with the boys. I tried to relax most of the day but had stuff to do. About 3:00 that afternoon I was running around with the boys when I felt a gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and started dropping insane amounts of blood. I was able to get Jeff's uncle to come over and watch the boys for me while I went to the ER. The doc came in and gave me my options. I wanted to go ahead with an ultrasound because it was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. With Colt we had a threatened miscarriage but he still had a heartbeat. This time around - there was no heartbeat. The baby was at the exact measurement it was supposed to be at week wise (11 weeks) but the heartbeat looked to have stopped either a day or two before I went to the hospital.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the doc to come in and tell me I was going to miscarry he gave me some options. The last miscarriage I wanted to go naturally and it lasted forever and I still ended up having a D&C. This time I opted to take the six little pills to progress the miscarriage. I contacted Jeff and let him know what was going on (he was working up north). I told him not to come home because I was going to just wait this out and go to bed. Little did I know I would spend most of the night in the bathroom passing everything. Jeff called me about 9 that night and told me he was coming home. I was in a lot of pain and the thought of him coming home to help me was comforting.

Most of my bleeding has come to a complete stop so I am guessing everything passed alright and hopefully I won't have to have more surgery. I have to still follow up with my doctor but right now things just suck.

I'm so sad right now and Valentine's is supposed to be a happy day. I'm lucky that I have a husband who has my back on everything - loves me more than life itself and two little boys who make me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis - but whom I love more than anything in this world. All 3 boys are my eternal sunshine and I don't know what I would do without them.

So for now. I'm going to enjoy my time with my boys and relax. I'm going to let my body heal properly - drop about 20 pounds (even though I have 40 to go for my goal weight) and then we will try again. Hopefully later this year I will have some happier news to report. We are just continuing to stay busy chasing the boys and with Jeff working two hours away half of the week when he comes home we try to spend as much time as we can together.

Happy Valentine's Day to my 3 Burts whom I don't know what I would do without you guys!! I'm such a lucky girl to have these 3 boys and the 2 dogs we have. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Much love to everyone today!